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[29 Jul 2006|09:34pm] |
everything has gotten so much worse. i can't walk anymore. this is a rare case that i can sit up. i'm in bed 99.9% of the time. my pain is so awful that without medication i am screaming and crying and convulsing and pleading with someone, anyone, to take my life. that's what happens when i sleep though the alarm in the middle of the night to take my dose. and my doctor basically said 'never come here again' because he doesn't know how to deal with me. in the beginning, he said he was '100% positive' that i have lyme disease. but now, ever since i went to this pain doctor who said that i do not have lyme disease, my pain isn't real, and i've been sexually abused. his reasoning? i said "no" too fast when he asked, "have you been sexually abused?". since this pain doctor (who never discussed my pain on the visit)talked to my lyme disease doctor, he's been scared that he'll get in trouble because the pain doctor said my pain isn't real and i'm just making it up in my head because of psychological problems from my sexual abuse. oh, fucking hell. there is even more.. but i'm tired and worn of talking about it. from my experience, all doctors are fucking assholes. why the fuck would i make this up? NO ONE would want this. it rips apart your life that nothing it left at all. friends leave you because you're too much of a bother. no one can fully understand my illness but me. and that sucks.
without philip, i would be nothing. he understands me. he understands my illness as best as he can. he is my light in the darkness. he is so beautiful that i want to consume him. i want to get better.. not for myself, but for him. i wish for him to be happy. and the greatest part? he feels exactly the same way about me. ♥
he's sleeping right behind me.. x'] so cuuute.
[p.s. i'm sorry if a lot of this doesn't make sense.. this illness gives me huge, huge brain problems.]
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pokeyxx's journal
